The Liberation of Un-Knowing
If you’re anything like me, probably not. Simply by directing my attention, I started to realize how much time I spent talking about, trying to prove and demonstrate how much I do know. Or at least, how much I think I know.
I took some time recently to focus on this area, and one thing I discovered is that I know a lot less than I think. And I used to think I needed to know a lot in order to be valuable (in my job and as a mentor, a friend, husband and parent). What I found surprised me. It turns out, my value isn’t determined by what I know so much as how I show up in any situation. And the less attached I am to knowing, the more present I can be in every area of my life.
At first, I found the idea of not knowing to be very confronting. For instance, I believed that in my job I was valued for the contributions I could make. For the things I knew. I would prepare for meetings by going over all the things I knew I could talk about. Now that my perspective has started to change, I prepare by letting go of what I think I know about the person or topic of the meeting, and focus instead on being open to whatever is discussed or presented. This feels like a more vulnerable way to enter a meeting, and while at first this vulnerability was uncomfortable, I am much more present and engaged with people as a result.
Similarly, as a parent, when I am lucky enough that my teenage daughters come to me with problems, I feel a strong drive to know the solution. I often feel the same impulse as a husband or with friends. Ironically, more often than not, what’s needed most is listening. For me to simply be there with them, and listen.
I am discovering that if I maintain my focus on being present, instead of “having to know” — the discomfort of not knowing is a small price to pay for being completely present for the people in my life. I’m learning that being present with someone is like a truer form of listening, because I’m not preoccupied with saying the right thing, or coming up with an answer.
One of the ways this exploration was most valuable for me was in my relationship with God. When I allowed myself to feel the helplessness of not knowing, to feel as though everything I thought I knew was wrong, it was a very lonely place. There was nothing else to do but turn to God. Turning to God with this sort of desperation is helping me build faith in my connection to Him and to not feel so alone in the not knowing. By turning to God in this way, I’m having a whole new experience of humility, and I’m seeing that letting go of having to know is allowing me to be guided more by God.
As I learned more, and my desire to make changes grew, I put some simple practices in place that helped me to be more present and let go of my urge to “know.” A few of these practices are below and I hope you find them useful.
When preparing for a meeting, or to be with a friend, consciously set the intention to be open, rather than having a solution or knowing what to say. Not knowing what to say can be uncomfortable and I’ve found this preparation to be helpful with tolerating that discomfort and being more present for the people I am with.
When mental chatter in the form of “having to know” things comes up, you can consciously choose to let it go. I would literally say to myself, I’m not going to listen to that voice any more. When I starved those voices, they had less power over me, and I found a more peaceful state of mind.
Another tool I found very helpful when I noticed a distracting amount of mental chatter is to meditate with the focus on calming my mind. I find that screaming into a towel or my arm, even silently if I’m at work, helps me to quiet my mind quickly.
I’m finding it very helpful to have someone to share my progress and realizations with. I suggest you find someone who you can share your process with and set up some regular times you can share with each other. Having someone who knows what I’m exploring, learning and facing has been helpful to keep me accountable and motivated.
I discovered there’s also something very liberating about not knowing. Feeling as though I always “needed to know” was exhausting, and when I started situating myself in not knowing, I was able to relax into simply being present. I also find that when I’m willing to tolerate the discomfort of not knowing, I get connected to my curiosity. I’m noticing that feeling of curiosity is contagious and makes the space for others to do the same.
Of course, there is an irony in sharing all of this, as though I know something about it that you don’t. This isn’t true. I am only at the beginning of an awareness, which is helping me be more present and open with the people I care about already. My hope is that in reading this something resonates with you, you can see if this occurs in your life, and consider if there might be value in working on letting go of that need to know.
Ben Lovejoy
When dealing with mental chatter, try the 10-minute meditation “Emptying the Mind” in the Focus & Clarity category of our our mobile app.
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